Al Hamatzav

Shana Tova!

THINGS I DIDN’T LEARN IN HEBREW SCHOOL :
1. The High Holidays have absolutely nothing to do with marijuana.
2. Where there’s smoke, there may be salmon.
3. No meal is complete without leftovers.
4. According to Jewish dietary law, pork and shellfish may be eaten only in
Chinese restaurants.
5. A shmata is a dress that your husband’s ex is wearing.
6. You need ten men for a minion, but only four in polyester pants and white
shoes for pinochle.
7. One mitzvah can change the world; two will just make you tired.
8. After the destruction of the Second Temple , God created Neiman-Marcus
9. Anything worth saying is worth repeating a thousand times.
10. Never take a front row seat at a Bris.
11. Next year in Jerusalem . The year after that, how about a nice cruise?
12. Never leave a restaurant empty handed.
13. Spring ahead, fall back, winters in the Palouse.
14. WASP’s leave and never say good bye;  Jews say good bye and never leave.
15. Always whisper the names of diseases.
16. If it tastes good, it’s probably not kosher.
17. The important Jewish holidays are the ones on which alternate side of
the street parking is suspended..
18. Without Jewish mothers, who would need therapy?
19. If you have to ask the price, you can’t afford it. But, if you can
afford it, make sure to tell everybody what you paid.
20. Laugh now, but one day you’ll be driving a Lexus and eating dinner at
4:00 PM in Florida.
SIGNS ON SYNAGOGUE BULLETIN BOARDS:
1. Under same management for over 5763 years.
2. Don’t give up. Moses was once a basket case.
3. What part of ‘Thou shalt not’ don’t you understand?
4. Shul committees should be made up of three members, two of whom should be
absent at every meeting.
5. Sign over the urinal in a bathroom at Hebrew University : ‘The future of
the Jewish people is in your hands.’  ’Please stand close: it is shorter than you think’.
6. Any time a person goes into a delicatessen and orders a pastrami on white
bread, somewhere a Jew dies.
7. It was mealtime during a flight on El Al. ‘Would you like dinner?,’ the
flight attendant asked Moshe, seated in front. ‘What are my choices?,’ Moshe
asked. ‘Yes or no’ she replied.
8. An elderly Jewish man is knocked down by a car and is brought to the
local hospital. A pretty nurse tucks him into bed and says, ‘Mr. Cohen, are
you comfortable?’ Cohen replies, ‘I make a nice living….’
9. A rabbi was opening his mail one morning. Taking a single sheet of paper
from an envelope he found written on it only one word: ’shmuck.’  At the
next Friday night service, the Rabbi announced, ‘I have known many people
who have written letters and forgot to sign their names, but this week I
received a letter from someone who signed his name…and forgot to write a
letter.’
10. Three Jewish women get together for lunch. As they are being seated in
the restaurant, one takes a deep breath and gives a long, slow ‘oy.’  The
second takes a deep breath as well and lets out a long, slow ‘oy.’  The
third takes a deep breath and says impatiently, ‘Girls, I thought we agreed
that we weren’t going to talk about our children.’
11. And one final favourite: A waiter comes over to a table full of Jewish
women and asks, ‘Is ANYTHING all right?
Speaking of Florida, thought you may also like The Great Schlep. Caution: Expletives!

 (Om någon har missat det – mitt bloggande inskränker sig just nu till att lägga upp mail som landar i min inbox. Det är praktiskt, snabbt, och eftersom alla ändå mest diskuterar 1948. etnisk rensning och Ahmadinejad oavsett vad det står i posten – varför anstränga sig?)

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